saajid
06-17-2011, 12:22 AM
Self-reference Jokes
I'm the humblest person I know.
I used to think I was indecisive, but now I'm not so sure.
The workshop on procrastination has been cancelled, as no-one got around to enrolling.
Anyone who visits a psychiatrist ought to have his head examined.
We never make misteaks.
87.5% of all statistics are made up.
Here, take this placebo.
The technical term for "being unable to remember the word you want" is, uh ...
There are three types of people in the world: those who can count and those who can't.
The two rules for success are:
1. Never tell them everything you know.
There are 10 types of people: those who understand binary and those who don't.
We Poms hate being called whingers.
Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.
There should be a rule that we don't talk about politics.
A few more complex newer ones
"I never make predictions. I never have and I never will."
[Attributed to Tony Blair (correctly?)]
I'm trying to be less self-deprecating, but I really suck at it.
I thought I was wrong once, but I found out later I was mistaken.
I can be spontaneous, if I have enough time to prepare for it.
Speling is my favourite subject.
Just say NO to negativity!
I am not in denial!
Things are more like they are today than they ever have been before.
Being bored keeps me busy.
I don't like to eat. It ruins my appetite.
I used to be a perfectionist, but I'm trying to improve.
Don't procrastinate. Put it off NOW.
Repeat after me. We are all individuals. - Brian (Graham Chapman) in Monty Python's Life of Brian.
A man's response to seeing the ocean for the first time: "It's not as big as I thought it would be."
If you're right 90% of the time, why quibble about the other 5%?
All generalizations are wrong.
"Sterility is hereditary" and "disobey me".
I swear to god i must be the only true optimist left on the planet.
My apathy causes me problems, but I don't care.
It's extremely important that you fully understand how completely trivial this statement is.
If I am not on Mars, I must be somewhere else. Since I am somewhere else, I must not be here. Could I am there? It is certainly somewhere else. Please take a look and let me know if find me.
Victor Borge: "The last time I was here... - well it's not the last time, this is. But I hope it isn't.
What is this a paraphrase of?
I've felt like a goat, ever since I was a kid.
"Nobody goes there anymore, it's too crowded."
I'm not conceited. Conceit is a fault, and I have none.
Always remember that you are a unique individual; just like everyone else.
I want to join the Optimist's Club, but they probably won't accept me.
Some people say I have a short attention span, but I
I'm sorry, am I repeating myself? Am I being redundant? Am I saying things over and over?
I tried to be patient but it took too long.
I am never mistaken. Well, once I was wrong because I thought I was wrong.
I thought about changing my mind, but then I reconsidered.
"I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, 'Where's the self-help section?' She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose."
A woman walks into a bar and asks for a double entendre. So the barman gives her one.
After years of refusing to take my calls, I have finally decided to be my own best friend. And now I don't call. Did I wait too long?
"And finally, what question would you least like to be asked in this interview?" "That was it."
Patience is a virtue I wish I'd waited for.
What if there were no hypothetical questions?
I'd give my right hand to be ambidextrous.
What is the origin of the word "draconian"?
The ancient Greek lawgiver Draco enforced severe penalties on people too lazy to look up dictionaries.
(What penalty should be enforced on people who post in the Shout Box or Help 'cause they're too lazy to search? - BR)
I'm the humblest person I know.
I used to think I was indecisive, but now I'm not so sure.
The workshop on procrastination has been cancelled, as no-one got around to enrolling.
Anyone who visits a psychiatrist ought to have his head examined.
We never make misteaks.
87.5% of all statistics are made up.
Here, take this placebo.
The technical term for "being unable to remember the word you want" is, uh ...
There are three types of people in the world: those who can count and those who can't.
The two rules for success are:
1. Never tell them everything you know.
There are 10 types of people: those who understand binary and those who don't.
We Poms hate being called whingers.
Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.
There should be a rule that we don't talk about politics.
A few more complex newer ones
"I never make predictions. I never have and I never will."
[Attributed to Tony Blair (correctly?)]
I'm trying to be less self-deprecating, but I really suck at it.
I thought I was wrong once, but I found out later I was mistaken.
I can be spontaneous, if I have enough time to prepare for it.
Speling is my favourite subject.
Just say NO to negativity!
I am not in denial!
Things are more like they are today than they ever have been before.
Being bored keeps me busy.
I don't like to eat. It ruins my appetite.
I used to be a perfectionist, but I'm trying to improve.
Don't procrastinate. Put it off NOW.
Repeat after me. We are all individuals. - Brian (Graham Chapman) in Monty Python's Life of Brian.
A man's response to seeing the ocean for the first time: "It's not as big as I thought it would be."
If you're right 90% of the time, why quibble about the other 5%?
All generalizations are wrong.
"Sterility is hereditary" and "disobey me".
I swear to god i must be the only true optimist left on the planet.
My apathy causes me problems, but I don't care.
It's extremely important that you fully understand how completely trivial this statement is.
If I am not on Mars, I must be somewhere else. Since I am somewhere else, I must not be here. Could I am there? It is certainly somewhere else. Please take a look and let me know if find me.
Victor Borge: "The last time I was here... - well it's not the last time, this is. But I hope it isn't.
What is this a paraphrase of?
I've felt like a goat, ever since I was a kid.
"Nobody goes there anymore, it's too crowded."
I'm not conceited. Conceit is a fault, and I have none.
Always remember that you are a unique individual; just like everyone else.
I want to join the Optimist's Club, but they probably won't accept me.
Some people say I have a short attention span, but I
I'm sorry, am I repeating myself? Am I being redundant? Am I saying things over and over?
I tried to be patient but it took too long.
I am never mistaken. Well, once I was wrong because I thought I was wrong.
I thought about changing my mind, but then I reconsidered.
"I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, 'Where's the self-help section?' She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose."
A woman walks into a bar and asks for a double entendre. So the barman gives her one.
After years of refusing to take my calls, I have finally decided to be my own best friend. And now I don't call. Did I wait too long?
"And finally, what question would you least like to be asked in this interview?" "That was it."
Patience is a virtue I wish I'd waited for.
What if there were no hypothetical questions?
I'd give my right hand to be ambidextrous.
What is the origin of the word "draconian"?
The ancient Greek lawgiver Draco enforced severe penalties on people too lazy to look up dictionaries.
(What penalty should be enforced on people who post in the Shout Box or Help 'cause they're too lazy to search? - BR)